Love is strange

Jenn Heckman, this post is for you. Happy birthday and thanks for laughing at me for borrowing Dateable and proceeding to take all the quizzes with me. Two more crushes until I find the one!

Okay, I caved. I'm writing a post on love and dating and its Valentines Day. But to be fair, I've been working on this post for awhile, at least in my head. Since I saw the movie Blue Valentine I began to once again, ponder just why relationships fail. Blue Valentine was an intense depiction of how amazing relationships are at the beginning, and how sometimes, before you know it it completely falls apart with just a pull of one thread.

Why? Why? Why? I have many questions around this, because really I find it pretty heartbreaking when I hear about the break-up of almost any couple.

As a junior high leader at my church's youth group, I am able to borrow many books that are supposed to help us be better leaders to our children. A couple of weeks ago I picked up the book Dateable by Justin Lookadoo & Hayley DiMarco thinking that it would help me deal with my perma boy crazed thirteen year olds. Strangely, I found it helping me more than anything else. No, it did not give me all the answers but I think I have some pretty great insights as to how relationships can come crashing way, way down. So, of course, I must share.

I have to preface this with saying that the book relies strongly on conventional gender roles. While I am not entirely convinced we were designed to follow conventional gender roles I do believe that we are largely socialized to adhere them and therefore I think it is fair to use them for this purpose. Of course there are always exceptions but for the most part it works. Two of the chapters that really stuck out to me are called:

"If I will do it for you, I will do it to you"
"Guys Will Lie to You to Get What They Want"

Instead of me trying to paraphrase or make a point thats already been greatly made, I'm just going to borrow and cite properly.

If I will do it for you, I will do it to you...
 This chapter goes through a few examples of this and here's one,
"A Liar's a Liar,
Politicians argue against this point all the time. You have some guy who cheated on his wife, abused his power to make it happen, and lied to cover it up, and his supporters claimed, 'This does not impact his decisions as President. His personal life is separate from his professional life.' No, it's not! This is a character issue. If someone will lie to cover up a sex scandal, he will lie any time the truth could make him look bad. He's a liar. He isn't a liar in just this situation; he's a liar period.
People who lie are liars" (Lookadoo & Dimarco 58)

Deception is one of the fastest ways to ruin a relationship. Trust me. But this chapter illustrates a great point, "Good character and bad character can't be buds". (Lookadoo & DiMarco 68). Sometimes its really hard to look at the person we are dating honestly, especially when he or she is not being honest with us. This is when you must be aware of his or her actions to everyone and everything outside of you. Does he or she lie to other people? Then he or she will likely lie to you. Did he or she cheat on someone for you? Then he or she will likely cheat on you. These things are character issue, and if you've got good character and he or she doesn't, run far, far away. Fast. 

This brings me to the next chapter, 
Girls will lie to themselves to get what they want.
Some specific lies?

"The 'I'm Better Than Her' Lie,
Every girl knows that she is so much better than his last girlfriend. It doesn't matter what the word is about the guy. It doesn't matter what he did or why they broke up. Girls know that the real reason he broke up with those other girls is that they didn't know how to treat him. You know that the reason he has never settled down or stuck with a girl is that they didn't know how to make him happy. But you do! You know exactly what he needs... Those girls were witches, and now they are just jealous. They wern't good enough. 
Sorry, but no... Girls listen to the exes. If they all say he was a jerk, they're not saying it because they're jealous. They're saying it because he's a jerk. He's going to treat you the same way he treated the others. The issue is not your value but his character. You are valuable. You are important. But you are not more valuable and more important than the last girl. That's the same lie she told herself when she got into a relationship with him. Protect yourself.

The 'I'll Fix Him' Lie

Another way girls will lie to themselves is by telling themselves that they can change him. (The older you get the more this makes sense.) 'He has never changed because he has never had someone to change for. But he will want to change because of how much I love him. I will be able to make him better. He will become Prince Charming and I will be his princess.' Ah yes, the battle cry of the delusional." (Lookadoo & DiMarco 93-94)

Enough Said.

Now, I know this two things that will ruin a relationship.
Expectations & delusions. 

A word of advice for the ladies this valentines day... Let go of expectations. Guy's could care less about this day. Out of the 20 people on my facebook list that had a HAPPY VDAY status, guess how many of them are female?

100%.

Just because he doesn't care about valentines day, doesn't mean he doesn't care about you. Let it go, don't make him care and enjoy having someone to love today and everyday.

Oh. also,

All you need is love. and I hope this happens at my wedding one day.