On my knees, and out of luck, I look up.

About a week ago I was challenged by the devotional book I’m working through (Solo: An Uncommon Devotional) to share my faith journey with someone. So I thought about it and prayed about and tried to just imagine what my faith journey may look like. The first thought that came to mind is the simple fact that I am not the most articulate person when it comes to speaking. However, when I start to write, my thoughts seem to flow through my hands into complete and understandable points and ideas. Moreover, as I prayed for the opportunity to share I realized I had one right in front of me. Not only do I have my very own blog but I also contribute to this .

As I tried to envision what a faith journey was I realized I was getting too caught up on trying to define something that was totally up to me to create. I did know that there had to be an event or an incident that could have gone either way for me. What I mean by this is that I think we all have times in our life where we make a choice. We come to the end of our rope and we either let go, or we turn to God and climb our way back up. As I listened to a favourite song, After The Storm by Mumford and Sons a lyric struck me.

“On my knees, and out of luck, I look up...”

That’s when I realized I had made a choice and I knew exactly when my faith journey began. I would say that I officially became a Christian and accepted Jesus as my saviour in the summer of 2003. However, this is not when my faith journey began. In fact, it did not really begin for me until this past summer, the summer of 2010. Yes, I have attended church in both a sporadic and committed fashion since 2003 and yes I had even branched out and began to serve in areas of my church. I was also baptised in January 2005 and I meant every word I said as I stood up in front of my church community and declared that I, Ashley McAuley was committed to following Jesus. As I look back, I know my heart was pure in all these things but I see them as external markers of a shift I wasn’t fully making internally. I knew what it took to be a true Christ follower but I wasn’t really ready to relinquish all my control. I could have very easily walked away a sad young lady until it hit me.

I have heard that when God is trying to reach you on something He will begin with whispers. Whispers to gentle nudges.  Gentle nudges to speaking softly but poking. Speaking softly and poking to calmly shaking.  Calmly shaking to speaking firmly. Speaking firmly to aggressively shaking and yelling in my ear. God had been whispering to me for a long time and unfortunately because I am incredibly strong willed and stubborn I wasn’t listening. I couldn’t let go. I had to be in control and I couldn’t admit that I was wrong. Until God yelled in my ear and very dramatically showed me that I needed Him.

I needed him.

I needed him and I had to give up control of my life to let Him in and fill me the way I was longing to be fulfilled. This past summer I hit a bottom that I had been dreading for a long time. I found myself with a shattered heart and everywhere I looked I was coming face to face with broken dreams. I had planned and decided so many things for myself and not one thing was going as I had hoped. I realized that the only way I was going to get better and even attempt to rid myself of the brokenness in my life was to turn to God.

So I did. I asked God to take control and I began the delicate process of trust. To put it plainly, I have some issues with trust. I haven’t been able to fully trust some of the people that I have been closest to in the past, and these are living breathing humans who I can see and touch. It was hard for me to trust a God I can’t see or touch or sit face to face and have involved conversations with. However, I’ve come to realize that I’ve had it backwards. Humans will be hard to trust at times because we are broken and we hurt each other both willingly and unwillingly.  But God, he’ll never fail. This is what I can put my trust in. This is what I can put my hope in.

I think the shift happened when I realized to be a fully committed Christ-follower I had to really believe that if I was stripped away of everything today I would be okay because God’s love is all I need. It’s the only thing I need. I know this verse it somewhat cliché and overused in conjunction with romantic love but for me, it’s the epitome of my faith journey. A faith journey should start with the knowledge that this is the way God loves us, in turn, this is how we are called to love.

“So no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love. Love never gives up. Love cares ore for others than for self. Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have. Love doesn’t strut. Doesn’t have a swelled head. Doesn’t force itself on others, Isn’t always ‘me first’ Doesn’t fly off the handle, Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others, Doesn’t revel when others grovel, Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, Puts up with anything, Trusts God always, Always looks for the best, Never looks back, But keeps going to the end. Love never dies” 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. (The Message)

A faith journey begins with a decision but it doesn’t end there. I have to remind myself of my decision daily and remember that I am filled because of God’s love and grace and now I have more love to give.

Peace ya’ll, thanks for reading, and have a listen...

"There will come a time you'll see, with no more tears. And love will not break your heart but dismiss your fears. Get over your hill and see, what you find there. With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair."

ish