I've had the time of my life...

I have wanted to write a post like this for some time now but I’ve been too scared and nervous to give in to what will be a lot of self-disclosure. However, one of the comments I receive about my blog most often is that people really like how honest I am. Maybe I wasn’t ready to write this until today.What I do know that even if honestly delivers an initial sting it always ends up being the right thing in the end. I know some people specifically who are dealing with a similar situation and even if reading this helps them,  I’ll be happy I shared.

My calendar for 2010 is from one of my favourite movies, Dirty Dancing. Every month is a picture of a classic scene accompanied by a quotation. Of course, the classic quotations like “I carried a watermelon” and “Nobody puts Baby in a corner” are depicted. A couple of months ago I started looking at the quotes and trying to apply them to the kind of month I was having. In October my calendar said, “God wouldn’t have given you maracas if he didn’t want you to shake ‘em!” October turned out to be a month where I really needed to go out and have fun and just enjoy being Ish. So I did. But when I turned my calendar over to December I knew something had shifted.

 “You never forget your first love”. 

My goodness this calendar couldn’t know my life any better if it tried. I would assume that if you’re reading this and you know me personally you know that in the past year I have had to come to terms with saying goodbye to my first love. Insert emotionally charged sigh here... I don’t even know where to begin to write about it but I feel that I have to because it has had such a large impact on me.

While our initial break was made last year, right before Christmas, a final and real separation only came this past August, on the date of my birth of all days.(Side-Note: because apparently these days, when couples "break-up" its doesn't usually kick in right away!) At first I thought that was a harsh way to end things and now I see it as a new start. My year as a 24-year-old began with tears, sadness, disappointment, anger and frustration but it has come so far since then. 


I will spare everyone the gritty details because its probably too personal to disclose over the world wide web. Not to mention that there is another person involved and it probably wouldn't be very fair to him. However, I do want to share a little bit about how it affected  me because really, you're incredibly lucky (or perhaps un-lucky) if you get to share your whole life with your first love. I think its pretty rare and therefore its something that most of us will have to come to terms with at some point. 


I shared 7 years of my life with this person, and at 24 years young, thats a significant chunk of my life. This is not to mention the fact that the years spent together are years that are also spent trying to figure out just who the heck we are. I have no shame in admitting that I was completely head-over-heels-goo-goo-ridiculously-bury-myself-in-you in love with this person. So I spent a good portion of our relationship just being content to define myself as his girlfriend. Not really a good idea, and I wouldn't recommend it to anyone! Therefore, when we broke up I was left to not only deal with grieving the loss of someone I loved but I also had a lot of, shall we say, soul-searching to do. A good friend and I recently talked about how break-ups also include a grief for the portion of your identity that was tied to your ex. I think this is true for everyone, especially those who began long term relationships in their teens, or early adulthood. I am also quite stubborn so, in all honesty, it took me quite awhile to just admit that the story I had written for myself was not going to come true. Oh yes, I was wrong. 


I really want to have a point or a significance to this post and although I'm kind of rambling and writing with little direction because this topic makes my head spin just a little, I do have this to share. Break-ups suck. They are never easy and I'm pretty positive that its even worse when its your first love and you can very vividly look back to a time where you thought your world would end if you lost that person. Nevertheless!! 


It gets better. It really does. 




Good always comes out of bad situations and if you're willing to look for it, you will find it. This past year has been one of the hardest for me but also one of the best. I have come to know myself so much better and I feel for the first time in my life that I am okay with who I am. I have also come to know God in an incredibly real and new way. I feel like it all started when instead of crying and throwing a temper tantrum when I felt like complete crap last Christmas eve, I picked up Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller and began a journey with God that has been life-changing. I have also made some incredible new friends and reconnected with two that had been absent for awhile. Its really amazing what can happen in your life when you open yourself up to it. 

As for that whole, "You'll never forget your first love" thing... Well, I think Dirty Dancing is right. I'll never forget my first love. But, for the first time, I can honestly say that I'm okay with that and I will not let the "loss" of my first love define who I am. I can learn from it, remember the good times that were had, and let go of the bitterness and hurt over the bad times. There is something special, and innocent that one shares with their first love. I'll never be able to recapture that, but I will fall in love again. And believe me... there was a time where I honestly thought I wouldn't. When you learn to let go, you suddenly realize there's a big, 'ol world out there and there is bound to be someone who wants to be with you... and he or she may have been right in front of you all along.


So, to first love... 

*Ish

Sidenote: Anyone else feel like the combination of the winter solstice, full moon and lunar eclipse all on the same day is throwing things outta whack? Maybe thats why the font on this post changed half-way through and I can't fix it...