I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul.

Since I have already admitted to the blogging world that I sometimes indulge in a trashy read or two, and while I rarely come across anything of substance I did find a recent article that sparked something in me. My roommate brought a bunch or gossip mags home after Christmas and even though every fibre of my being was resisting I found myself picking up the January 3 issue of Life & Style with Heidi Montag on the cover. I must admit that there was a time when I watched The Hills (and every other reality show in between) but I suppose with age and maturity comes a realization that these shows quickly begin to deaden your brain cells.

Anyway, I’m sure everyone who hasn’t been living under a rock over the past year has at least heard about Montag and the ridiculous amount of plastic surgery she underwent, all to attain the unattainable, perfection. While I do not intend to make my post all about Montag, I must say that I feel this incredible mix of disgust, shock and pity at a human being who would go to such great lengths to try and achieve outward perfection. 

The article is basically a big pity party for Montag because as we all could have predicted, the whole multiple plastic surgery thang didn’t exactly work out as she had hoped. Montag goes on, at length, to whine about all the scars and pain she now has to deal with as well as the undeniable Frankenstein feel of the whole ordeal. Life and Style asked Montag how she feels 13 months later and she responded,

“Like a different person. It’s been the hardest year of my life. Even looking in the mirror became a huge deal. Just mentally, where I am and who I am since my surgeries is completely different. I was so caught up in Hollywood that I lost track of priorities.”

Now, I mentioned before that I felt pity of Montag and I feel I need to expand on that. I DO NOT feel sad that she has trouble looking in the mirror, or that she has horrible scars and deals with excessive pain on a daily basis. There are millions of people in this world who also have to deal with those problems everyday and they did not choose to be in that position. However, I do pity the fact that Montag lost track of her priorities and became so delusional that she felt the need to undergo 10 plastic surgery procedures. 

I wish so much that there wasn't a constant focus on how people look and what fits a cookie cutter mold of beautiful and what does not. I know that I get caught up in it too and sometimes it can be really hard to pull my focus back to what is really important. I am a leader at my churchs youth group and our topic for the last couple of weeks has been about the differences between boys and girls, and whether or not we're really that different at all. Something that really strikes me is how much, and how early girls feel pressure to be thin and pretty. Upon asking 13-year-old girls what they associate with the word "girly" almost all of them said something along the lines of "makeup, pink, dressing up and spending a lot of time on your hair". While I don't think any of these connotations are necessarily bad, I do wish that girls knew that there are other ways to be girly and have it pertain to inner beauty.

I know that I have cited this verse before in a previous post but it is one of my favourites and I read it to my small group girls last week, plus it was used in the message on sunday. I really like to read it when I feel I need to be reminded of what's really important, 

 "When the Holy Spirit controls our lives, he will produce this kind of fruit in us: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control." Galatians 5:22-23

This is what we need to focus on. Only when we find real love in our creator, do we remember that we were created to be more than what humans have decided fits as outer beauty.

This week I'm going to try and love people for their insides.

*ish

Love that will not betray you, dismay or enslave you.

"It will set you free. Be more like the man you were meant to be."

I think that I am learning more about what true love is. A good and very wise friend said this to me a couple weeks ago after I remarked on my love life, and even though it was kind of in passing, I have been thinking about it ever since. She said,

“You’ve only had a like life. You don’t get a love life until you’re married.”

As I think about it more and more I can really appreciate the truth, beauty and wisdom in it. I have often felt that I was not designed to play the dating game, or this game of like that a lot of people seem to get consumed in. I feel too much, I’m loyal almost to a fault and I am all too ready to hand over my heart... and my body, soul & mind. Therefore, I get hurt easily and I end up investing a lot in people who are not worth it. While I think everyone deserves having love invested in them, despite who they are or what they've done, I think I've learned that in a romantic relationship there can come a point where it is no longer worth investing your love in that person. Romantic love is on plateau of its own. 

I often wish there was a way to fast-track to the husband part and skip the playing of the field and the game of like part. I don’t know that this is possible but I feel like there has got to be a better way. I will keep thinking and writing about it.

I’m also hoping  to find love that doesn’t betray, dismay or enslave me. Because in my experience that kind of love does not set you free. It becomes a prison and strangely, a prison that you are not at all willing to even try and escape from. 

There must be a middle ground. A way to find love and not play a game. A way to invest in someone and love them but understand that my love life does not start until I am married. I suppose this will be something new to think about.

I suppose this post is more about generating thoughts rather than making a point or statement. I think it can blossom into something more and when it does I'll be sure to share. I hope everyone is having a good January and trudging through winter, sloooowly but surely. Listen & love...

*ish

I remember December...

Happy New Year ! And welcome to what, my brother has brilliantly titled the year, “twenty-stix”.

I know that  I’m a little late on the whole Happy New Year post but I thought I would still pay a little homage to twenty-ten and do a quick December picture update.  If you follow my blog, or know me at all, then I’m sure you know that twenty-ten was a bit of a rollercoaster ride for me. However, as I look back on the year what I would like to share is very positive and has just come to light for me very clearly in the final days of twenty-ten. When I look back on the year I feel I have learned a great deal about friendship.  I can remember a time not so long ago where I really felt as if I had no friends. Of course, I had friends but I felt so disconnected from anything resembling a community or even a go-to person, someone I could without question, call on as my best friend. I prayed about the loneliness and disconnect I felt for quite awhile and then I started acting. Once I started acting, by making an effort to be a better friend to those I had an opportunity to reconnect with and by making an effort to befriend new people I came in contact with, I was amazed at how richly God blessed me. For every bad thing that happened in twenty-ten I feel it can be balanced with a great person I met or strengthened a bond with. There are people I became disconnected from in the past year and that always hurts but maybe I have now learned how to be a better friend and how to better define just what a friendship entails. I am so grateful for the people in my life that I call my friends. I realized on New Year’s Eve as  I was preparing for the party I was throwing that many of the people I would be ringing in the new year with were people that I wasn’t friends with at the start of the year. I felt really amazed at how close I already felt to many of them and it made me feel like I’m headed somewhere really good. After the party someone remarked that it felt really great to be starting a new year with so many awesome people, and I agree, wholeheartedly. 

As for twenty-stix? I get a positive vibe and I would like to share what the To Write Love on Her Arms organization tweeted shortly before midnight on Friday:

“Perhaps the fuss about midnight is rooted in the possibility that things can be new. Here’s to healing, here’s to change.”

Rather than write any New Years resolution that I will probably break in a week and feel angry at myself for breaking, I want to focus on that quotation. I'm going to focus on possibility, and be open to wherever it may be that God takes me. Oh, yes and if you’re wondering about December... here’s some pictures to sum it up.

Christmas always brings lots of events centered around food but my favourite one was the potluck I shared with the best home church around!

A Christmas dinner with a great best friend at a yummy restaurant.

Just your average Christmas activity in McAuley house

The aftermath of a very generous family

A Bubbly New Years party that was alotta fun.

bubbly decorations

My latest dance partner

And finally, a lovely fortune, at a lovely reunion to usher in 2011

Your heart is pure, and your mind is clear.

Here's to twenty-stix... let's make it a good one! I think its safe to say this was the song of NYE...

Happiness hit her, like a train on track

*ish

pee ess - I had all the picture organized, and it took me forever and then when I posted they went crazy. I don't know how to fix it. Computers annoy me. thanks BYE!

The thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices

This is a simple post to wish everyone, a 

Very Merry Christmas!

I hope everyone can take a minute to remember what Christmas is really about, and give praise for the amazing gift that was given to the world. 

"The angel said, 'Don't be afraid. I'm here to announce a great and joyful event that is meant for everybody, worldwide: A Savior has just been born in David's town, a Savior who is Messiah and Master. This is what you're to look for: a baby wrapped in a blanket and lying in a manger.' At once the angel was joined by a huge angelic choir singing God's praises: 

   Glory to God in the heavenly heights, 

   Peace to all men and women on earth who please him."

Luke 2:10-14 (The Message version) 

Love your friends, family AND enemies, be full of joy and commit to bringing peace to earth for just one day... and don't hate that I chose NSYNC's version of holy night, because its awesome.

*ish 

I've had the time of my life...

I have wanted to write a post like this for some time now but I’ve been too scared and nervous to give in to what will be a lot of self-disclosure. However, one of the comments I receive about my blog most often is that people really like how honest I am. Maybe I wasn’t ready to write this until today.What I do know that even if honestly delivers an initial sting it always ends up being the right thing in the end. I know some people specifically who are dealing with a similar situation and even if reading this helps them,  I’ll be happy I shared.

My calendar for 2010 is from one of my favourite movies, Dirty Dancing. Every month is a picture of a classic scene accompanied by a quotation. Of course, the classic quotations like “I carried a watermelon” and “Nobody puts Baby in a corner” are depicted. A couple of months ago I started looking at the quotes and trying to apply them to the kind of month I was having. In October my calendar said, “God wouldn’t have given you maracas if he didn’t want you to shake ‘em!” October turned out to be a month where I really needed to go out and have fun and just enjoy being Ish. So I did. But when I turned my calendar over to December I knew something had shifted.

 “You never forget your first love”. 

My goodness this calendar couldn’t know my life any better if it tried. I would assume that if you’re reading this and you know me personally you know that in the past year I have had to come to terms with saying goodbye to my first love. Insert emotionally charged sigh here... I don’t even know where to begin to write about it but I feel that I have to because it has had such a large impact on me.

While our initial break was made last year, right before Christmas, a final and real separation only came this past August, on the date of my birth of all days.(Side-Note: because apparently these days, when couples "break-up" its doesn't usually kick in right away!) At first I thought that was a harsh way to end things and now I see it as a new start. My year as a 24-year-old began with tears, sadness, disappointment, anger and frustration but it has come so far since then. 


I will spare everyone the gritty details because its probably too personal to disclose over the world wide web. Not to mention that there is another person involved and it probably wouldn't be very fair to him. However, I do want to share a little bit about how it affected  me because really, you're incredibly lucky (or perhaps un-lucky) if you get to share your whole life with your first love. I think its pretty rare and therefore its something that most of us will have to come to terms with at some point. 


I shared 7 years of my life with this person, and at 24 years young, thats a significant chunk of my life. This is not to mention the fact that the years spent together are years that are also spent trying to figure out just who the heck we are. I have no shame in admitting that I was completely head-over-heels-goo-goo-ridiculously-bury-myself-in-you in love with this person. So I spent a good portion of our relationship just being content to define myself as his girlfriend. Not really a good idea, and I wouldn't recommend it to anyone! Therefore, when we broke up I was left to not only deal with grieving the loss of someone I loved but I also had a lot of, shall we say, soul-searching to do. A good friend and I recently talked about how break-ups also include a grief for the portion of your identity that was tied to your ex. I think this is true for everyone, especially those who began long term relationships in their teens, or early adulthood. I am also quite stubborn so, in all honesty, it took me quite awhile to just admit that the story I had written for myself was not going to come true. Oh yes, I was wrong. 


I really want to have a point or a significance to this post and although I'm kind of rambling and writing with little direction because this topic makes my head spin just a little, I do have this to share. Break-ups suck. They are never easy and I'm pretty positive that its even worse when its your first love and you can very vividly look back to a time where you thought your world would end if you lost that person. Nevertheless!! 


It gets better. It really does. 




Good always comes out of bad situations and if you're willing to look for it, you will find it. This past year has been one of the hardest for me but also one of the best. I have come to know myself so much better and I feel for the first time in my life that I am okay with who I am. I have also come to know God in an incredibly real and new way. I feel like it all started when instead of crying and throwing a temper tantrum when I felt like complete crap last Christmas eve, I picked up Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller and began a journey with God that has been life-changing. I have also made some incredible new friends and reconnected with two that had been absent for awhile. Its really amazing what can happen in your life when you open yourself up to it. 

As for that whole, "You'll never forget your first love" thing... Well, I think Dirty Dancing is right. I'll never forget my first love. But, for the first time, I can honestly say that I'm okay with that and I will not let the "loss" of my first love define who I am. I can learn from it, remember the good times that were had, and let go of the bitterness and hurt over the bad times. There is something special, and innocent that one shares with their first love. I'll never be able to recapture that, but I will fall in love again. And believe me... there was a time where I honestly thought I wouldn't. When you learn to let go, you suddenly realize there's a big, 'ol world out there and there is bound to be someone who wants to be with you... and he or she may have been right in front of you all along.


So, to first love... 

*Ish

Sidenote: Anyone else feel like the combination of the winter solstice, full moon and lunar eclipse all on the same day is throwing things outta whack? Maybe thats why the font on this post changed half-way through and I can't fix it...

  

Satisfy My Soul

"When I meet you around the corner, you make me

 feel like a sweepstake winner."

I think I will have this in my wedding vows. I love the idea of meeting you around the corner and marrying someone who satisfies my soul.

yes, when you hold me tight you make me feel alright.

You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one.

As many of you probably know today is the 30  year anniversary of the death of John Lennon. It will forever make me sad that someone who had such a vision for promoting peace and love had to be killed in such a violent manner. The anniversary of George Harrison's death just passed on November 29, so I thought I would take this time to honour them.

The Beatles have had a HUGE influence on my life. My parents live by their music and if I look back it feels like their music has always been playing in the background. I don't think that any band will ever have the kind of influence and creative powers that The Beatles possessed. It is strange that the two who have passed on are the two I feel the most connected to.

George has always been my favourite Beatle. I consider him the real underdog of the group. He was just as talented as John or Paul but he was more apt to sit back and let the other two take center stage. He has a quiet and mysterious intensity that I identify with. To me, he is the epitome of the strong but silent type. Who would have known in the early days of The Beatles that he could pull out songs like While My Guitar Gently Weeps and Something. Maybe he never said much until it really mattered but all along you knew he was rock solid. 

John, on the other hand, always shone and it is clear that he belonged front and center. My identification with him comes from a kindred spirit in his never-ending quest for peace and love. John is the complete epitome of a hippy. While I don't exactly agree with the drugs or free love bit, like John I wholeheartedly believe in pacifism and just want everyone to get along. Some may think its strange that as a Christ-follower I can identify with someone who was very vocal about his gripes with religion. But thats just it, John was against religion and so am I! I believe in Jesus, and really, he and John wanted the same things for the world. A person like John Lennon seems almost rare nowadays.  But I think we can all agree that the world needs more peace makers.  

To end, I'll leave you with three favourite Lennon quotations and Harrison song. Rest in peace, big guys...

"If everyone demanded peace instead of another television set, then there'd be peace" 

"If someone thinks that love and peace is a cliche that must be left behind in the sixties, that's his problem. Love and peace are eternal." 

"As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot." 

I'm stepping out this old brown shoe, baby I'm in love with you.

*ish