I get the news I need from the weather report...

"Once you've written about your Dirty Dancing calendar, its hard to top" -Sara M. Sinclair (Doesn't putting a middle initial in someone's name when you quote them make them sound so much more dignified?)

true story. As you may have noticed there has been a lack of posting lately... and really it all boils down to the fact that I really couldn't think of what to write about. Lot's of things have been going on in my life but nothing inspiring which I feel is a problem in an of itself. Life is kind of, in transistion right now so maybe thats why.

Nevertheless, here I am. A friend prompted me to get writing again last night and I realized that maybe I could at least offer up some thoughts on my transitional phase. 

I can start by telling you this, the mind of ashley is usually a jumble of things and I can often be found zoning out into space. Usually its a multitude of things going on in my head but lately my mind has been specifically focused on thoughts of what to do with my life. Career-wise, that is. I used to give little thought to this and figured that I was just headed towards marriage and motherhood. Obviously, that is nowhere soon on the horizon for me and I think I've realized that there is more for me to accomplish on this earth before I take those steps.

I have been reading The Element: How Finding Your Passion Changes Everything and as the title suggests, trying to find my element or my passion. Now, I know you're probably thinking, shouldn't I already know my passion? This is what I used to think as well but this book has been eye-opening for me. I had never considered many of the obstacles one may encounter on the road to finding one's element. Up until very recently I had thought myself to be quite passionless. Of course, there are things I am passionate about but I don't know that I had really found a perfect little niche or habitat where me and my passion fit. 

Reading The Element has also helped to put into words why I no longer want to be a teacher, something I had previously felt called to do. Reason's that have led me to feel so passionless. Here's a little excerpt that gives a peak into it...
"...young children are wonderfully confident in their own imaginations. Most of us lose this confidence as we grow up. Ask a class of first graders which of them thinks they're creative and they'll all put their hands up. Ask a group of college seniors this same question and most of them won't. I believe passionately that we are all born with tremendous natural capacities, and that we lose touch with many of them as we spend more time in the world. Ironically, one of the main reasons this happens is education. The result is that too many people never connect with their true talents and therefore don't know what they're really capable of achieving. In that sense, they don't know who they really are." (Robinson xi)

I have felt passionless, uncreative and stifled by never being able to fit in with the normalcy that formal education requires for, probably as long as I can remember. Until now. Until I have began to realize that maybe this isn't how it is supposed to be. Maybe God has more for me. I work with children under the age of five, and one of the things that I love about it is seeing this inherent creativity that is completely untarnished. I recently read an article that challenged me to look at my current job and wonder to why God has placed me there for this moment. Maybe thats why. Maybe I needed to be reminded of how creative people are before we are squashed like bugs by life.

As I have been trudging my way through this book something keeps sticking out at me. In grade one, we were given the assignment to write a story. I wrote a book about a bird named Melanie. Melanie loved to sing but had lost her voice. After trying a variety of things to regain her ability to sing, she drank a glass of water and sang happily ever after...

My teacher was very impressed with my story, and "published" it into a book that my Mom still has today. I don't know many six-year-olds who can pump out a story with a beginning, middle, end and conflict that gets resolved. I'm not trying to brag here, because honestly at 24, with a BA in English, I don't think I could sit here and give you a low-down of all the elements of a story. But that's how its always been with writing for me. I start and somehow all the blanks get filled in. In ways I cannot explain.

Maybe that's my element.

Oh, and as for my title of this post? It's from a Simon & Garfunkle song and its true. I hate the news but I love the weather network. If this writing thing doesn't work, I think I'll try and be a weather girl.

Sara, this jam is for you. Thanks for asking me to write
*Ish

Love is strange

Jenn Heckman, this post is for you. Happy birthday and thanks for laughing at me for borrowing Dateable and proceeding to take all the quizzes with me. Two more crushes until I find the one!

Okay, I caved. I'm writing a post on love and dating and its Valentines Day. But to be fair, I've been working on this post for awhile, at least in my head. Since I saw the movie Blue Valentine I began to once again, ponder just why relationships fail. Blue Valentine was an intense depiction of how amazing relationships are at the beginning, and how sometimes, before you know it it completely falls apart with just a pull of one thread.

Why? Why? Why? I have many questions around this, because really I find it pretty heartbreaking when I hear about the break-up of almost any couple.

As a junior high leader at my church's youth group, I am able to borrow many books that are supposed to help us be better leaders to our children. A couple of weeks ago I picked up the book Dateable by Justin Lookadoo & Hayley DiMarco thinking that it would help me deal with my perma boy crazed thirteen year olds. Strangely, I found it helping me more than anything else. No, it did not give me all the answers but I think I have some pretty great insights as to how relationships can come crashing way, way down. So, of course, I must share.

I have to preface this with saying that the book relies strongly on conventional gender roles. While I am not entirely convinced we were designed to follow conventional gender roles I do believe that we are largely socialized to adhere them and therefore I think it is fair to use them for this purpose. Of course there are always exceptions but for the most part it works. Two of the chapters that really stuck out to me are called:

"If I will do it for you, I will do it to you"
"Guys Will Lie to You to Get What They Want"

Instead of me trying to paraphrase or make a point thats already been greatly made, I'm just going to borrow and cite properly.

If I will do it for you, I will do it to you...
 This chapter goes through a few examples of this and here's one,
"A Liar's a Liar,
Politicians argue against this point all the time. You have some guy who cheated on his wife, abused his power to make it happen, and lied to cover it up, and his supporters claimed, 'This does not impact his decisions as President. His personal life is separate from his professional life.' No, it's not! This is a character issue. If someone will lie to cover up a sex scandal, he will lie any time the truth could make him look bad. He's a liar. He isn't a liar in just this situation; he's a liar period.
People who lie are liars" (Lookadoo & Dimarco 58)

Deception is one of the fastest ways to ruin a relationship. Trust me. But this chapter illustrates a great point, "Good character and bad character can't be buds". (Lookadoo & DiMarco 68). Sometimes its really hard to look at the person we are dating honestly, especially when he or she is not being honest with us. This is when you must be aware of his or her actions to everyone and everything outside of you. Does he or she lie to other people? Then he or she will likely lie to you. Did he or she cheat on someone for you? Then he or she will likely cheat on you. These things are character issue, and if you've got good character and he or she doesn't, run far, far away. Fast. 

This brings me to the next chapter, 
Girls will lie to themselves to get what they want.
Some specific lies?

"The 'I'm Better Than Her' Lie,
Every girl knows that she is so much better than his last girlfriend. It doesn't matter what the word is about the guy. It doesn't matter what he did or why they broke up. Girls know that the real reason he broke up with those other girls is that they didn't know how to treat him. You know that the reason he has never settled down or stuck with a girl is that they didn't know how to make him happy. But you do! You know exactly what he needs... Those girls were witches, and now they are just jealous. They wern't good enough. 
Sorry, but no... Girls listen to the exes. If they all say he was a jerk, they're not saying it because they're jealous. They're saying it because he's a jerk. He's going to treat you the same way he treated the others. The issue is not your value but his character. You are valuable. You are important. But you are not more valuable and more important than the last girl. That's the same lie she told herself when she got into a relationship with him. Protect yourself.

The 'I'll Fix Him' Lie

Another way girls will lie to themselves is by telling themselves that they can change him. (The older you get the more this makes sense.) 'He has never changed because he has never had someone to change for. But he will want to change because of how much I love him. I will be able to make him better. He will become Prince Charming and I will be his princess.' Ah yes, the battle cry of the delusional." (Lookadoo & DiMarco 93-94)

Enough Said.

Now, I know this two things that will ruin a relationship.
Expectations & delusions. 

A word of advice for the ladies this valentines day... Let go of expectations. Guy's could care less about this day. Out of the 20 people on my facebook list that had a HAPPY VDAY status, guess how many of them are female?

100%.

Just because he doesn't care about valentines day, doesn't mean he doesn't care about you. Let it go, don't make him care and enjoy having someone to love today and everyday.

Oh. also,

All you need is love. and I hope this happens at my wedding one day.

On my knees, and out of luck, I look up.

About a week ago I was challenged by the devotional book I’m working through (Solo: An Uncommon Devotional) to share my faith journey with someone. So I thought about it and prayed about and tried to just imagine what my faith journey may look like. The first thought that came to mind is the simple fact that I am not the most articulate person when it comes to speaking. However, when I start to write, my thoughts seem to flow through my hands into complete and understandable points and ideas. Moreover, as I prayed for the opportunity to share I realized I had one right in front of me. Not only do I have my very own blog but I also contribute to this .

As I tried to envision what a faith journey was I realized I was getting too caught up on trying to define something that was totally up to me to create. I did know that there had to be an event or an incident that could have gone either way for me. What I mean by this is that I think we all have times in our life where we make a choice. We come to the end of our rope and we either let go, or we turn to God and climb our way back up. As I listened to a favourite song, After The Storm by Mumford and Sons a lyric struck me.

“On my knees, and out of luck, I look up...”

That’s when I realized I had made a choice and I knew exactly when my faith journey began. I would say that I officially became a Christian and accepted Jesus as my saviour in the summer of 2003. However, this is not when my faith journey began. In fact, it did not really begin for me until this past summer, the summer of 2010. Yes, I have attended church in both a sporadic and committed fashion since 2003 and yes I had even branched out and began to serve in areas of my church. I was also baptised in January 2005 and I meant every word I said as I stood up in front of my church community and declared that I, Ashley McAuley was committed to following Jesus. As I look back, I know my heart was pure in all these things but I see them as external markers of a shift I wasn’t fully making internally. I knew what it took to be a true Christ follower but I wasn’t really ready to relinquish all my control. I could have very easily walked away a sad young lady until it hit me.

I have heard that when God is trying to reach you on something He will begin with whispers. Whispers to gentle nudges.  Gentle nudges to speaking softly but poking. Speaking softly and poking to calmly shaking.  Calmly shaking to speaking firmly. Speaking firmly to aggressively shaking and yelling in my ear. God had been whispering to me for a long time and unfortunately because I am incredibly strong willed and stubborn I wasn’t listening. I couldn’t let go. I had to be in control and I couldn’t admit that I was wrong. Until God yelled in my ear and very dramatically showed me that I needed Him.

I needed him.

I needed him and I had to give up control of my life to let Him in and fill me the way I was longing to be fulfilled. This past summer I hit a bottom that I had been dreading for a long time. I found myself with a shattered heart and everywhere I looked I was coming face to face with broken dreams. I had planned and decided so many things for myself and not one thing was going as I had hoped. I realized that the only way I was going to get better and even attempt to rid myself of the brokenness in my life was to turn to God.

So I did. I asked God to take control and I began the delicate process of trust. To put it plainly, I have some issues with trust. I haven’t been able to fully trust some of the people that I have been closest to in the past, and these are living breathing humans who I can see and touch. It was hard for me to trust a God I can’t see or touch or sit face to face and have involved conversations with. However, I’ve come to realize that I’ve had it backwards. Humans will be hard to trust at times because we are broken and we hurt each other both willingly and unwillingly.  But God, he’ll never fail. This is what I can put my trust in. This is what I can put my hope in.

I think the shift happened when I realized to be a fully committed Christ-follower I had to really believe that if I was stripped away of everything today I would be okay because God’s love is all I need. It’s the only thing I need. I know this verse it somewhat cliché and overused in conjunction with romantic love but for me, it’s the epitome of my faith journey. A faith journey should start with the knowledge that this is the way God loves us, in turn, this is how we are called to love.

“So no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love. Love never gives up. Love cares ore for others than for self. Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have. Love doesn’t strut. Doesn’t have a swelled head. Doesn’t force itself on others, Isn’t always ‘me first’ Doesn’t fly off the handle, Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others, Doesn’t revel when others grovel, Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, Puts up with anything, Trusts God always, Always looks for the best, Never looks back, But keeps going to the end. Love never dies” 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. (The Message)

A faith journey begins with a decision but it doesn’t end there. I have to remind myself of my decision daily and remember that I am filled because of God’s love and grace and now I have more love to give.

Peace ya’ll, thanks for reading, and have a listen...

"There will come a time you'll see, with no more tears. And love will not break your heart but dismiss your fears. Get over your hill and see, what you find there. With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair."

ish

green eyes

Pets are hands down the best earthly example of unconditional love. They are always there for us, they don't judge us and they are completely loyal. I think this is why it is so incredibly sad when we lose an animal. Unfortunately, my family had to put down one of our cats this weekend so I thought I would write a little tribute to the big guy. 

Knickie was the first pet I really remember bonding with. My sisters adopted him when I was nine and he was a rowdy little kitty. I remember being temporarily scared of him because he scratched me, but he very quickly won my heart. Knickie was an awesome cat. He loved to snuggle. He was pudgy and rolly polly in all the right places and he just had this way about him. When Knickie walked into a room, everyone took notice. Many of my friends that visited my house often were in love with Knickie. One person even claimed that he didn't even like cats until he met Knickie. For a good portion of my teen years Nick was really my loyal companion, snuggling up at bedtime with me each night. He dealt with my teen angst better than anyone reminding that yes indeed, I am lovable. Knickers, you will always be my first kitty love and have a special lil place in my heart, strut your stuff wearing that green cape in kitty heaven.  

Rest in peace, Knickie. 1995-2011

cause I came here with a load and it feels so much lighter now I met you.

* ish

I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul.

Since I have already admitted to the blogging world that I sometimes indulge in a trashy read or two, and while I rarely come across anything of substance I did find a recent article that sparked something in me. My roommate brought a bunch or gossip mags home after Christmas and even though every fibre of my being was resisting I found myself picking up the January 3 issue of Life & Style with Heidi Montag on the cover. I must admit that there was a time when I watched The Hills (and every other reality show in between) but I suppose with age and maturity comes a realization that these shows quickly begin to deaden your brain cells.

Anyway, I’m sure everyone who hasn’t been living under a rock over the past year has at least heard about Montag and the ridiculous amount of plastic surgery she underwent, all to attain the unattainable, perfection. While I do not intend to make my post all about Montag, I must say that I feel this incredible mix of disgust, shock and pity at a human being who would go to such great lengths to try and achieve outward perfection. 

The article is basically a big pity party for Montag because as we all could have predicted, the whole multiple plastic surgery thang didn’t exactly work out as she had hoped. Montag goes on, at length, to whine about all the scars and pain she now has to deal with as well as the undeniable Frankenstein feel of the whole ordeal. Life and Style asked Montag how she feels 13 months later and she responded,

“Like a different person. It’s been the hardest year of my life. Even looking in the mirror became a huge deal. Just mentally, where I am and who I am since my surgeries is completely different. I was so caught up in Hollywood that I lost track of priorities.”

Now, I mentioned before that I felt pity of Montag and I feel I need to expand on that. I DO NOT feel sad that she has trouble looking in the mirror, or that she has horrible scars and deals with excessive pain on a daily basis. There are millions of people in this world who also have to deal with those problems everyday and they did not choose to be in that position. However, I do pity the fact that Montag lost track of her priorities and became so delusional that she felt the need to undergo 10 plastic surgery procedures. 

I wish so much that there wasn't a constant focus on how people look and what fits a cookie cutter mold of beautiful and what does not. I know that I get caught up in it too and sometimes it can be really hard to pull my focus back to what is really important. I am a leader at my churchs youth group and our topic for the last couple of weeks has been about the differences between boys and girls, and whether or not we're really that different at all. Something that really strikes me is how much, and how early girls feel pressure to be thin and pretty. Upon asking 13-year-old girls what they associate with the word "girly" almost all of them said something along the lines of "makeup, pink, dressing up and spending a lot of time on your hair". While I don't think any of these connotations are necessarily bad, I do wish that girls knew that there are other ways to be girly and have it pertain to inner beauty.

I know that I have cited this verse before in a previous post but it is one of my favourites and I read it to my small group girls last week, plus it was used in the message on sunday. I really like to read it when I feel I need to be reminded of what's really important, 

 "When the Holy Spirit controls our lives, he will produce this kind of fruit in us: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control." Galatians 5:22-23

This is what we need to focus on. Only when we find real love in our creator, do we remember that we were created to be more than what humans have decided fits as outer beauty.

This week I'm going to try and love people for their insides.

*ish

Love that will not betray you, dismay or enslave you.

"It will set you free. Be more like the man you were meant to be."

I think that I am learning more about what true love is. A good and very wise friend said this to me a couple weeks ago after I remarked on my love life, and even though it was kind of in passing, I have been thinking about it ever since. She said,

“You’ve only had a like life. You don’t get a love life until you’re married.”

As I think about it more and more I can really appreciate the truth, beauty and wisdom in it. I have often felt that I was not designed to play the dating game, or this game of like that a lot of people seem to get consumed in. I feel too much, I’m loyal almost to a fault and I am all too ready to hand over my heart... and my body, soul & mind. Therefore, I get hurt easily and I end up investing a lot in people who are not worth it. While I think everyone deserves having love invested in them, despite who they are or what they've done, I think I've learned that in a romantic relationship there can come a point where it is no longer worth investing your love in that person. Romantic love is on plateau of its own. 

I often wish there was a way to fast-track to the husband part and skip the playing of the field and the game of like part. I don’t know that this is possible but I feel like there has got to be a better way. I will keep thinking and writing about it.

I’m also hoping  to find love that doesn’t betray, dismay or enslave me. Because in my experience that kind of love does not set you free. It becomes a prison and strangely, a prison that you are not at all willing to even try and escape from. 

There must be a middle ground. A way to find love and not play a game. A way to invest in someone and love them but understand that my love life does not start until I am married. I suppose this will be something new to think about.

I suppose this post is more about generating thoughts rather than making a point or statement. I think it can blossom into something more and when it does I'll be sure to share. I hope everyone is having a good January and trudging through winter, sloooowly but surely. Listen & love...

*ish

I remember December...

Happy New Year ! And welcome to what, my brother has brilliantly titled the year, “twenty-stix”.

I know that  I’m a little late on the whole Happy New Year post but I thought I would still pay a little homage to twenty-ten and do a quick December picture update.  If you follow my blog, or know me at all, then I’m sure you know that twenty-ten was a bit of a rollercoaster ride for me. However, as I look back on the year what I would like to share is very positive and has just come to light for me very clearly in the final days of twenty-ten. When I look back on the year I feel I have learned a great deal about friendship.  I can remember a time not so long ago where I really felt as if I had no friends. Of course, I had friends but I felt so disconnected from anything resembling a community or even a go-to person, someone I could without question, call on as my best friend. I prayed about the loneliness and disconnect I felt for quite awhile and then I started acting. Once I started acting, by making an effort to be a better friend to those I had an opportunity to reconnect with and by making an effort to befriend new people I came in contact with, I was amazed at how richly God blessed me. For every bad thing that happened in twenty-ten I feel it can be balanced with a great person I met or strengthened a bond with. There are people I became disconnected from in the past year and that always hurts but maybe I have now learned how to be a better friend and how to better define just what a friendship entails. I am so grateful for the people in my life that I call my friends. I realized on New Year’s Eve as  I was preparing for the party I was throwing that many of the people I would be ringing in the new year with were people that I wasn’t friends with at the start of the year. I felt really amazed at how close I already felt to many of them and it made me feel like I’m headed somewhere really good. After the party someone remarked that it felt really great to be starting a new year with so many awesome people, and I agree, wholeheartedly. 

As for twenty-stix? I get a positive vibe and I would like to share what the To Write Love on Her Arms organization tweeted shortly before midnight on Friday:

“Perhaps the fuss about midnight is rooted in the possibility that things can be new. Here’s to healing, here’s to change.”

Rather than write any New Years resolution that I will probably break in a week and feel angry at myself for breaking, I want to focus on that quotation. I'm going to focus on possibility, and be open to wherever it may be that God takes me. Oh, yes and if you’re wondering about December... here’s some pictures to sum it up.

Christmas always brings lots of events centered around food but my favourite one was the potluck I shared with the best home church around!

A Christmas dinner with a great best friend at a yummy restaurant.

Just your average Christmas activity in McAuley house

The aftermath of a very generous family

A Bubbly New Years party that was alotta fun.

bubbly decorations

My latest dance partner

And finally, a lovely fortune, at a lovely reunion to usher in 2011

Your heart is pure, and your mind is clear.

Here's to twenty-stix... let's make it a good one! I think its safe to say this was the song of NYE...

Happiness hit her, like a train on track

*ish

pee ess - I had all the picture organized, and it took me forever and then when I posted they went crazy. I don't know how to fix it. Computers annoy me. thanks BYE!