"Anyone could see that the prince was charming, the only one for me!"
Alright, maybe I should just preface this post by saying this: I believe in love, probably more than the average person. However, I have been thinking more and more about the notion of The One and after much deliberation I would like to present my view. I hope that it doesn't come across as cynical but rather as realistic and possibly even a breathe of fresh air. So, here goes,
If you're looking for The One, you're not going to find him or her. Unfortunately, or fortunately (depending on how you look at it) I really do not believe that there is one perfect person out there for me, or you, or anyone. The idea of a prince charming, or perfect woman is a fabrication we are fed to make us feel comfortable. I think that many people go through their lives just waiting to meet The One, when really its just a coping mechanism and something to keep us warm on an otherwise cold night.
I can't even begin to describe the enormity of problems the myth of The One will cause. I could go on forever with just this topic alone. However, I will say this, I think the worst thing it does is create false expectations. Many people dream of the one and come up with a pretty perfect image of what the one will look like, inside and out. Humans are not perfect and thus the false expectations begin. In another scenario, those searching for the one will begin relationships that seem oh-so perfect in the beginning and decide right off the bat that this person is finally The One!! But then, uh-oh, the exciting beginning stage of the relationship ends and all of a sudden the relationship takes work! Another lie many people believe is that when it comes to The One there will be no need to actually work at the relationship because, well, this person is THE ONE!!! In both situations, false expectations lead one person, or both to criticize the other and their relationship. One or the other may end things because their significant other does not live up to their expectations of The One.
No one will ever be perfect and no relationship will ever be perfect. In Donald Miller's book which I mentioned in a previous post, "A Million Miles In a Thousand Years." he ponders this topic after a failed relationship. Which, to be honest is basically the same boat I'm in. He asks an author who writes on relational needs and fulfillment if she thinks there is "one true love for everyone. Miller reports her answer as follows:
"Susan essentially said no. And she said that with her husband sitting right there in the audience. She said that she and her husband believed they were a cherished prize for each other, and they would probably drive any other people mad. But then she said something I thought was wise. She said that she had married a guy, and he was just a guy. He wasn't going to make all her problems go away, because he was just a guy. And that freed her to really love him as a guy, not as an ultimate problem solver. And because her husband believed she was just a girl he was free to really love her too. Neither needed the other to make everything okay. They were simply content to have good company through life's conflicts. I thought that was beautiful."
And I think its beautiful too. The concept of The One puts an incredible amount of pressure on another person and this can never end well. I know this from experience. As you may have noticed its kind of a theme with my blog. I make mistakes and then spend an incredible amount of time trying to find out what I did wrong so that I can A)not repeat them and B)come on here and write about it! Basically, I think that the myth of The One can be a gateway to expecting the other person to fulfill your every need. While I no longer believe in The One, I do think you can find someone who seems
almost perfect for you. I also think that relationships will ALWAYS take work. As well, I don't think they will work until a person is ready to disband their belief in The One and remember that their significant other is just a girl or boy and will never be his or her everything. This may be especially hard for women, as I believe we are socialized to place our identity and value in our relationships. While, relationships are the
essence of life and we are designed to be relational, it can be a slippery slope when one puts all her worth into the expectation of a significant other loving us back.
I firmly and relentlessly believe in
true love and that its out there if you're willing to seek it and find someone who wants to work as hard as you to make it last. Maybe, once we let go of our false expectation of The One our eyes can be opened to something or someone really good.
So, here's to love and to finding someone who isn't The One but a someone who is
almost perfect and refuses to give up on you... this is one of my most favourite romantic songs by the late Solomon Burke
sooner or later, i know i'll get it right
*ish
