He’s Just Not That Into You.
I am quite sure we're all familiar with these words, and although they may not be words every girl wants to hear, it could be the harsh reality of the situation. In fact, as everyone may know, there is a book dedicated solely to this notion by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo. I realize that I am pretty late in the game in writing about this book but until recently there was only one chapter in the book that I had read and been interested in. Having spent my entire late teens and early twenties involved in a serious relationship I didn’t think that anything in the book would apply to me. As usual I was wrong. Upon browsing at Urban Outfitters one day I opened the book and saw a chapter titled:
“He’s Just Not That Into You If He’s Not Marrying You”
I was 22 and 6 years into a relationship with someone who was barely able to even give me a slight nod in the general marriage direction at that point. This chapter terrified me but I knew that I had to read it. So I did, and looking back I think it was something that actually set our whole break-up in motion in my head. I think that there was a part of me that knew, standing there in Urban Outfitters that he and I would never get married. It was not something I wanted to face at that point and it wouldn’t be something I was even okay with or thankful for a long time after.
At this point, I know I can do better than the boy who wouldn't marry me, even if it was once a bitter pill to swallow. This gives me hope. So, knowing the solid advice the book had given me in the past I turned to it again. This time I was seeking advice on a subject that seems to keep rearing its ugly head in my “single and ready to mingle” life.
At this point, I know I can do better than the boy who wouldn't marry me, even if it was once a bitter pill to swallow. This gives me hope. So, knowing the solid advice the book had given me in the past I turned to it again. This time I was seeking advice on a subject that seems to keep rearing its ugly head in my “single and ready to mingle” life.
To Pursue or Not To Pursue.
The very first chapter in the book is titled: “He’s Just Not That Into You if He’s Not Asking You Out”. Seems simple, right? The logic is that a guy will go after something he wants and therefore a girl should not even bother asking because if he ain’t askin’, he ain’t interested. I get this, and yet, the little feminist in me wants to challenge. Besides, don’t men get shy? Or scared of rejection? Or busy? Or even just awkward? I really want to believe that in 2011 it is okay for a woman to ask out a man and believe that some love stories begin with this and end with a happily ever after. In fact, since I have been present in the dating arena more people have told me to be bold, to go after a guy I’m interested in, to make the first move and so on. Has it worked for me? Yes and no. Often it works temporarily but clearly it hasn’t moved me towards a happy ending. Yet...
Alas, I’m not satisfied with this. As a woman I hate to think that the best I can do is sit pretty and hope that the next guy I’m interested in is interested back. Even though I would love to be pursued and courted by a man I like, I actually long for more control that that. Its just who I am. So, I did some research, some asking around and looked back on my experiences and here are my conclusions.
Alas, I’m not satisfied with this. As a woman I hate to think that the best I can do is sit pretty and hope that the next guy I’m interested in is interested back. Even though I would love to be pursued and courted by a man I like, I actually long for more control that that. Its just who I am. So, I did some research, some asking around and looked back on my experiences and here are my conclusions.
I think the answer to all these questions is YES. Some men are shy. Some men are scared of rejection. Some men do get “busy” or are unavailable for reasons that have nothing to do with you. And, yes! Some men are just plain awkward. Its quite possible that all these kinds of men will still ask a girl out if he is really interested. But, maybe not. What I do like about this book is that it pushes woman to do better. If a man isn't asking you out then maybe, just maybe there is someone better out there who will. I still also think that woman CAN ask men out. Sometimes it works, and if you’re the type of woman who is bold enough, don’t change who you are for another person. Maybe you’re meant to be with a man who needs you to make at least the first move before he feels comfortable enough to take the reins. Besides, who wants a man who isn't comfortable with a woman taking the lead and making the first move?
With all this said, I do know that dating can be VERY discouraging and sometimes we want to settle for less. I'm sure all single people know this. I, for one, do not come in contact with men that I am attracted to that often so when I do, I instantly attach meaning to it and I know many other woman who do the same. Even though I sometimes feel otherwise, I know I won’t settle. I would rather be single than be with someone who isn’t that into me or someone who I’m not that into.
With all this said, I do know that dating can be VERY discouraging and sometimes we want to settle for less. I'm sure all single people know this. I, for one, do not come in contact with men that I am attracted to that often so when I do, I instantly attach meaning to it and I know many other woman who do the same. Even though I sometimes feel otherwise, I know I won’t settle. I would rather be single than be with someone who isn’t that into me or someone who I’m not that into.
The book definitely points out some red flags in dating as well. At the end of the day I know I can do better than a man who is:
- breaking up with me.
- cheating on me.
- married!
- not committing to a serious relationship but intent on reaping the benefits of a serious relationship.
Let this song be your guide.
*Ish
